Everyone remembers this hybrid of Home Alone and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, a total cash in on what was hot at the time. Yet, I could not help my young mind from falling in love with its cheesy ass sound effects and ridiculously overweight ninja grandpa. Oh but when he fought he instantly lost 50 pounds and begin doing gymnastics. Needless to say, I wanted to be a Three Ninja. It worked perfectly, I have two older brothers so my dream of becoming Tumtum worked perfectly being as I am the youngest. My older brothers aren’t fit enough to be ninjas but it can still be a dream of mine. Let’s jump into the plot shall we?

Holy hell...

The movie begins with all three boys, Rocky, Colt and Tumtum. Rocky is the oldest, the leader…and looks freakishly like a mini Jamie Lee Curtis. Colt, which is the hard ass, he is the Raphael of the crew. This leaves Tumtum, the not-so-serious ninja, he earns his name by binges of sweet foods. The kid annoyingly always has something in his mouth. All three of these to be Ninjas are at their grandfathers house for the summer, learning the ways of the ninja. Their grandpa is some overweight Mr. Miyagi rip-off. Their parents would never allow them to do these ninja training sessions so it must be kept secret.

Am I right or am I right?

The boys’ father is an FBI agent trying to catch a baddie, the interesting thing about this guy is that when he sends his men to combat the FBI he doesn’t use guns on guns…he uses an army of fucking ninjas. Yeah, believable…god I love the 90s. Snyder gets away from the FBI and you soon learn he is a former student of grandpa. They plan to kidnap the boys to use as leverage against the FBI. So what does Snyder do? He hires three completely dumbass surfer criminals. That’s exactly what I would do if I had an army of ninjas at my very beckoning. Yeah…anyway, for the sake of the movie it was done, and I can never help but loving the scenes these three idiots are in.

This is the lovely Snyder, what a villain...
I want to be the man on the right when I grow up.

After numerous scenes of bike riding and even a basketball brawl with the school bullies where little Jamie Lee Curtis dunks the ball, the three boys are left home alone. I must mention Rocky has a girlfriend named Emily…god who casted that ugly mug? Moving on…this is when the three surfers decide to attack, with nothing but a babysitter to protect the boys. After a pizza to the face it’s time for the three ninjas to prove to their mom and dad that the training they learned from grandpa was worth it! So what do they do? They blatantly copy home alone. Where exactly is the ninja training at? Colt even does the trademark home-alone pose with the two hands on each cheek with the mouth open. Wow, needless to say the “traps” were horrible. Jellybeans…who slips on jelly beans? Anyway, Snyder eventually comes after the three fail and they get easily captured by a big ass odd-job wanna-be.

"Hey little horsie how 'bout some hay?"
There goes my beef and bean burrito....again. Damn you Emily.

The parents find the baby-sitter and have no idea how they are going to save the boys…then…out of the darkness a person appears…an overweight, Miyagi rip-off to save the day, wow. For some reason they are on a ship…I don’t exactly recall why but that is the scenario. The boys trick a ninja into thinking someone is on the phone for him and escapes. Did I mention how many times they yell “AIYYA” in this movie? Interestingly enough they yell this BEFORE even being detected. I always think of stealth when I think of ninjas. That’s just me…and EVERYONE else. The movie ends up putting Grandpa against Snyder, very appropriate. The old apprentice versus master…that hasn’t been done one million times. Grandpa sets for the fight…drops 50 pounds and the fight begins. The fight is going back and forth but grandpa can’t hang. He begins to tire…and just when he is about to lose the fight or lose his life he does what all fighters do. He shoves jellybeans into Snyder’s pie-hole and begins whooping his ass. The movie ends happily, it’s a children’s movie, of course. Everyone went on to do great things…like Three Ninjas 2, 3 and 4. That’s basically it. Hulk Hogan is featured in 4. I am so glad I have never seen that installment.

Jelly beans...seriously? That's how this movie really fucking ends? Wow.

Overall I give this movie a good score, the main attribute to that would be nostalgia. I must say though that I can never help myself from turning the channel if I ever see it on the tube from time to time. Every time I see those three little boys I look to the heavens and then a little smirk emerges upon my face. We love you Rocky, Colt and Tumtum..you stand the test of time. I give this movie a flat 3 out of 4 popcorn bags.

-Apple Juice